"What the hell am I doing with my life?"
The question being posed, I believe is one that we’ve asked ourselves at least a couple of times throughout our lifetime, if not more. If you’ve never had to question this, I can only assume that your life has been dictated by an external force with circumstances that content you. Otherwise, it would be safe to bet that most people we encounter on a daily basis have asked themselves this question.
As my twenties come to a close, the questions only got louder in mind - was my year productive? Did it align to my goals? Did I achieve what I set out to within the last year?
In a moment of vulnerability, I will share with you - I don’t particularly think I achieved enough this year. I think my potential is more than what I managed to do. I could have achieved more tangible goals - one that society would merit as productive and successful.
Two years ago, I set out to do “something of my own” whatever that meant, and I guess to me, that meant pursuing Shibari Malaysia. I’ll tell you why I’m fighting for it - and it may surprise you, that it’s not for the love of shibari in itself.
Yes, I love the artform and beauty it brings, but pursuing it on a full-time capacity needed more than just the love of ropes. I actively pursued it based on my preferred lifestyle choice. Let me explain.
A couple of years back, when I was in the midst of desperately applying for corporate jobs - I asked myself a pivotal question.
What do I want my life to look like in the coming years?
The excavation of my inner self found that my priorities of a life well spent, was all about making great human connections, enjoying the simple pleasure of just being, and most importantly - not to be tied down with loans, payments, commitments & responsibilities that trapped you in a system that kept you stressed and overworked.
I gently crafted a slow lifestyle that would allow me to have fun in my day-to-day life, fall in love with my craft, meet amazing people, pick up my bags and whisk away on short notice. I’m happy to report that those goals have been achieved. I don’t own cars or property, my rental leases are on a “verbal” contract basis (extremely lucky to have met great friends I lived with whom we have mutual trust with) and my work allows me to collaborate with different individuals I meet along the way.
“When you do things from your soul, you feel a river moving in you, a joy.” Rumi
Is my river filled with rocks & boulders?
The past year felt like I was stuck, clouded and like I was in some kind of loop - a whirlpool, a riptide even - where nothing felt like it was going my way. I wasn’t making enough money to live the lifestyle I desired, I didn’t implement systems that kept me stress-free. I felt like I kept making the same mistakes over and over again. I felt like I needed to achieve more more more. I had no idea what that more was & it troubled me.
The new year has brought some new perspective into my life. I realized, I’m already doing what I love, living my ideal lifestyle. I only needed to trust myself and my decisions. Bring back the things I love, and forget about the things I think I need. Those are vastly different.
Living in fear of what I’m not achieving, the fear of I’m capable of so much more - kept me frozen and reluctant to look another way. The contraction I felt in my body, thinking I needed to achieve X,Y & Z to be deemed successful by even my standards, especially when I’m doing something completely non-traditional.
Yet, today when I look back and reflect, I realize I really, truly love my life. I’ve crafted a lifestyle that works for me. An extremely flexible schedule that allows me to escape on a weekday to a magical river just outside the city, or take a 3 week vacation to go stay with my dad in his kampung house in Indonesia - simple luxurious that I’ve almost forgotten I have because I worry about what I should have achieved by the time I reach 30.
I meet people all the time that are deeply unhappy with their life - and yes we can absolutely blame capitalism, consumerism & colonization. I whole-heartedly do blame it for the dread of a life they’ve locked us into. To top it off, multiple ongoing genocides with no end in sight. I’m coming to terms with the fact that I can’t escape it, but rather how do I co-exist with the atrocities of this world.
If you’re someone that’s looking for a change in your life - if you’re unhappy and unfulfilled, I simply probe you to ask yourself these couple of introspective questions:
What kind of lifestyle do I want to live?
What values are important to me, but my current life is not aligned with it?
What are the 3 most important things I want out of this lifetime?
These questions are hard, they will make you uncomfortable. Assess what is within your control. We all have different circumstances in life that has been handed to us, and its important to take that into consideration.
Never judge yourself by someone else’s privilege.
Its easy to forget (and almost never mentioned) when people get help from family, friends & community. For transparency, I am where I am today because of privileges that I acknowledge. Having parents that are a safety net I could fall back on incase of emergencies ( and I have, time to time (even though they weren’t happy about it)) is not something to take lightly in how it gives you an upper hand in life. The fact that I am not a caretaker, nor financial provider for anyone else besides myself also is an often unspoken privilege.
What you can control, is the people you surround yourself with. I firmly believe this is within our realm of sovereignty. It doesn’t matter where you come from - what you have or don’t have, you pick who is part of your inner circle.
Surround yourself with cheerleaders - those that support you emotionally, allow you to be authentically yourself, those that believe in your vision, collaborators and colleagues alike . I am eternally grateful to those that believe in me. I did not and am not doing it all alone. It takes a village.
So, I’ll leave you with this as we enter the era of “I’ve got to achieve this on my own” for it to be deemed worthy. Ask for help - often, give help back, and if you can’t find your tribe - create it.
Wishing you a year of abundance, of paradigm-shifting perspectives & child-like wonder,
yours,
Lisa
