Why I Tie People For A Living
A few years post existential crisis way too early in life, I found myself with a deep desire to liberate - starting with myself. I found myself in a position where many Malaysians desired. I was living in The Netherlands, working at the largest solar developer in Europe, fresh out of university. I had an aesthetically pleasing apartment in Rotterdam, earning in British Pounds, and work ended promptly at 5pm. The Malaysian Dream.
I found myself trapped in a perfect nightmare. Everyone around me was congratulating me and giving me tips on how to secure a PR, then a citizenship. Inside, I was feeling trapped. I knew the only reason I was pursuing this was because it was expected of me. There was no passion, no desire and truth be told I felt numb. I was living in a hazy daze, my only goal was to “get a Dutch citizenship”. Nothing beyond that, nothing of substance. It made me sick to my stomach.
On the inside, I knew there was something more that life had to offer me. I had no idea what it was, but somehow the calling was loud, clear and precise. I needed to go back to Malaysia and I would figure it out. Like a sheep following the shepherd, I packed 7 years worth of life into 2 suitcases full and followed the voice only I could hear.
It took me a year and a half of wondering around in Malaysia, doing a plethora of jobs that would lead me to find magic within ropes. I was first drawn to it when I stumbled upon a video online, which resulted in me doing an internet deep dive into the world of shibari. My practice is one that has been built up over time and is still being built.
My practice is a post-modern healing modality, a holistic practice that was cultivated through my own experience. Maybe one day, when you and I are better acquainted, I shall share the wounds that cut so deep that I’m still mending them.
However, I’d like to share my practice.
Created through the wounds of whatever I had experienced, I found that tying myself up with ropes helped me get into a meditative state. I was an avid meditator, finding solace in the stillness rather than reality. The very act of being tied up and bound, somehow allowed me to feel safe, secure and rested. I found within myself a sense of rawness and vulnerability when I tied myself, in a way that struggled to be expressed at any other given moment.
I started seeing that I could tap into my emotions, something that was always blocked since I was a child. To FEEL again, felt radical. To be angry and blissful and confused and joyful but most of all, to be able to finally EXPRESS it. The emotions were no longer stuck in the pit of my stomach, my throat getting scratchy and my eyes welling up from holding everything in. Suddenly, I felt liberated. I found my voice, in the sea of adults, peers and societal norms dictating the what, when, how’s of my life.
I wanted to help people FEEL again, instead of living in this numb void that we’ve come to accept as normal. In a world where you’re measured by your KPIs or bonuses, I wanted to know how do you FEEL right now? What are you experiencing of this short adventure we have here on this planet? Is it painful, did you see the worst that humanity had to offer, did you survive to tell the tale? Did you experience kindness and love so pure it immediately restored your faith? The good, the bad, the unknown. I want to see it all.
I often say that ropes are my tools, it allows me to see the depth of the human soul. You see, when you’re tied up, bound & restricted, there’s nowhere to hide. No mask you can put on, to be a version of yourself for the outside world to see. You’re not your job title, your car, your relationships - friends, family, lovers alike. You’re just you and I’m just me, experiencing this moment together.
If I had to put it briefly, and concisely, I tie people up because I’m driven by the vulnerability they’ve allowed me to hold space for. The dance between the trust and surrender that is key not only to a successful shibari meditation session, but also I have to insist, a key to living your truest dharma. Had I not trusted nor surrendered to the voice inside of me, as erratic and illogical as it was, nudging me to return to my birthland, I wouldn’t be able to tell you Why I Tie People For A Living.
